Apologies in advance, and please skip over this post if you wish, but I have warned you: I am going to have a little rant here…
When I became single, it really was fine – not that it happened often, just 2 or 3 times so far in my life. And I revelled in it! I had the opportunities to rediscover myself, build my self esteem up again, and go on a shagging spree… YAY!
As a free bird (I’m thinking Lynyrd Skynyrd rather than the derogatory “bird = chick = woman”) I can cope with the lack of compromises I have to make, I can cope with my huge king size bed being empty except for the indent of my body in the middle… hell, I can even cope with waking up in the morning and not having stinky breath in my face, or having a dead weight literally on top of me, heavy legs and arms out from which I must drag myself unceremoniously (call me old-fashioned, but beds are for getting a good night’s sleep, innit – the rest of the house is for, ahem…).
However, what I absolutely CAN’T cope with, after having been single for a couple of years, is when there is a chance that I might actually like a guy, who SEEMS to actually like me in return (which he does), but then it turns out that, despite all the good vibes that I’m reading, and our intelligent and witty conversation, that very same guy then turns round and tells me that he just “wants a little fun”.
I mean… WHAT IN THE FUCK?!
You know, sex is really easy to find in this century – it’s practically coming out of my ears (no pun intended). I could dial a few numbers any time of day and get “jiggy with it” with whomever I want, more often than not.
I just don’t want any of them right now. Because I’m not looking for physical stimuli – I’m looking for something more… emotional, personal, spiritual. I’m looking for my partner in crime 🙂
And I know that we all go through different things in life and that sometimes it really isn’t the right moment for one of us, the other of whom may be a few steps closer to being ready to settle down. It takes time to heal from old emotional wounds – I have them, that’s for sure! It’s why I didn’t feel ready to commit, to anyone (even myself), until now. I get it.
I just don’t get, though, how every time I finally feel that I can let my guard down slightly with a guy, to see if it’s more than just friendship, that it just turns out I am so wrong. While I see the potential of a relationship with them, they usually underline that it’s all “just a bit of fun” for them.
So, I’m really wondering, is there neon marker scrawled across my forehead that only guys see that states, “Good Time Girl”?!
Written content is © All rights are reserved. August 2017.
This week has been a bit of a strange one for me… but I definitely learned something from it all:
I am not alone.
On Monday, I had lunch with a friend who I hadn’t seen for quite some time. He told me he had been fired from his job – he has a little family to support.
Then on Monday afternoon, a guy who seemed interested in me, and who I actually like in return (it’s difficult – I am picky but Luxembourg has a shallow puddle of available men), told me that he “just wants a bit of fun”. It kind of crushed me – which is why I bring it up now.
Monday evening I was told a friend of mine would need to terminate her child for medical reasons. Just awful. Especially as my sister just had her baby and I know how she feels about the little bundle of joy.
Then on Tuesday I had lunch with a friend who is also an ex colleague. She was telling me how sad she is, how every time she sees her friends with their kids, she gets jealous – and how she hates feeling that way. She is almost 40 and has always wanted a little family. She has really bad panic attacks when she thinks about how she hasn’t got her little family yet, and how time is running out for her.
On Tuesday evening I met a friend who had recently “mutually split up” from his girlfriend. He told me that the most difficult thing is the fact that he is now alone. He misses touch and conversation.
Well, I have news for every one of them…
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
I also recently saw this post on Facebook:
While reading through the various secrets of each of the artists models, I realised that we are inherently all suffering to some degree or another.
We all believe at these moments that we are alone… to some extent, we are, right in that moment we feel it. However, there are so many others out there who share the same feelings and self-awareness as we do, but we just never realise it, because there is a stigma about talking of such things.
We are depressed.
We are guilty.
We are human.
We all go through the motions.
And we are definitely not alone.
Just remember that the next time you feel out of sync with the rest of the world – it’s how I learned to cope in some of my own darkest moments.
Have a cry, get it all out, then remember – you are the only person you should worry about judging you. You can’t stop what others think about you, so forget them.
If something really sinister has happened to you, find help and the support you need – do not take comfort in your home, closing the curtains and allowing no one in. The hardest thing is to open up – but once you do, you surely wouldn’t regret it.
Good luck folks!
Written content is © All rights are reserved. August 2017.
Sherlock Holmes: It has its costs.
Dr. Joan Watson: What does?
Sherlock Holmes: Learning to see the puzzle in everything. They’re everywhere. Once you start looking, it’s impossible to stop. It just so happens that people, with all the deceits and illusions that inform everything they do, tend to be the most fascinating puzzles of all. Of course, they don’t always appreciate being seen as such.
Dr. Joan Watson: Seems like a lonely way to live.
Sherlock Holmes: As I said. Has its costs.
Scene from “Elementary”, Episode “Rat Race”.
It reminded me of what I’ve said to people many times. I was surprised, and very pleased, when the actor playing Sherlock (Jonny Lee Miller) spewed this monologue one night onscreen so I had to rewind it and write it down verbatim, to analyse it further.
Having done so, I confirm I definitely agree. This world is so very full of puzzles… and humans really are the greatest (and most frustrating) of all!
Humans – I do have a love/hate relationship with you; you are beautifully creative and yet so maliciously ignorant all at the same time! I, of course, also love and frustrate myself, so I do not look down on us, but rather perceive us as many tiny parts of a much larger and unimaginable whole.
When I first started working in Luxembourg, one of the top Managing Partners of a law firm gave me a piece of advice: “I operate with one rule, if you don’t want something to end up on the front page of a paper, then don’t do it”.
While it sounded alright, at the time it seemed a bit much – I was from London and I wasn’t used to the size of the market. He was a Partner at a tier one law firm and I thought it was probably more key for someone with that position; after all, in London…
The blog post continues here: http://fundspartnership.com/why-actions-speak-louder-than-words/
The longest day of the year has just passed and the full moon will shine this weekend. The sky is still light with a multitude of blue, purple and pink hues and time still rolls on.
But we are just specks in existence, our own importance so tiny in the bigger scheme of things.
Written content is © All rights are reserved. June 2010.