Will it ever happen?

maybe i'm waiting - jarofquotes
Courtesy of http://www.jarofquotes.com

Will it ever happen?

So, while writing the email below to my friend the other week, I was wondering if anyone else out there felt the same – whether you’re a man or woman, but still experience – to an extent – the feelings that I detail below; would you let me know? Or am I alone in this way of thinking??

Moreover, the reason the whole email conversation started was because last week I had two blind dates, and today I discovered one of my oldest friends – and not so long ago lover – just got engaged; a friend and lover for whom I almost considered moving back to the UK!

…and yes, I did edit some of the email out! You can’t know everything about me, hey?! 😉

‘Hey girl…

[…] All the men in my life… it’s like a constant thing: there’s this huge attraction, but it’s always at the completely the wrong time…

I feel like I’ve been cursed with “impossible relationships”, that there’s no one left for me. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve to be happy with a companion. And I know that’s stupid, because it kind of means that I just haven’t met the right person (what my girlfriends like to tell me, to cheer me up I guess, lol). And what if I had already found the right person, and perhaps I hadn’t handled it the correct way, and now my “chance” is over… does one even get any more than one chance? I’d like to think so.

I’m supposed to be this strong independent woman, which, more often than not, I am… but all these knock backs over the years, the abuse, every scenario that I put myself – or ended up – in; the next time something negative happens again, I’m on the verge of breaking.

And no one sees it.

Because I’m really good at covering it up.

But my heart is screaming as it’s being torn into a million little pieces… slowly, and excruciatingly.

And all I do every day is wake up, super glue all the bits back together because there’s no point in moping about shite like this – until the next time, and then that glue gets a bit unstuck again; and so I have to wake up the next morning, and stick some more super glue on.

Instead of this “patching of the heart”, I’d just like it to be healed.

I love myself, I love the bad and the good about me… I look after myself, but party too; I generally travel the middle path, so why is it that my heart doesn’t quite feel whole???

I’m theorising here, being rhetorical. The above is basically a snapshot into my brain…. the good and the bad parts of it!

But don’t worry, honey – like I tell my heart every morning, “it will all work out”.’

Because at the end of the day, it usually does! 🙂

…and please do not misunderstand me, dear reader; I do not NEED a man in my life, but I would very much like a companion, especially considering that I have been a solivagant for about 7 years.

I also know who I am as a person, my good and bad points; but every person has self doubt to a certain extent, and I never feel it is evidenced until I am surrounded by couples, all loved up and displaying a lot of affection in public, whether it’s physically so, or even online. Is it so wrong that I am truthful, where the negative and the positive are concerned?

Basically, I do not miss having a partner in my life per se (because I have so many friends who fill this space), until I am surrounded by couples, declaring their undying love for each other in oh-so-very-public ways.

And who am I to stop these happy people?! Of course they should be happy; they have attained love, a partner to adventure with, someone with whom to share stories and life.

Even with all it’s downsides, I ultimately believe that love conquers all. 

…though I still can’t help wondering, “will I be part of that conquering one day as well?”


9 thoughts on “Will it ever happen?

  1. I just wanted to share with you all my dad’s beautiful reply by email after he read this blog post:

    “[…] We (mum & I) read your most recent blog on your website and truly feel for you. It is not sex, marriage, having children or any of that, it’s all about companionship and having someone to share your life with. If it is any comfort, you are certainly not alone in having these feelings. A case in point, which may surprise you, is the singer Janis Joplin. I watched a documentary film about her the week before last. It is a heart-rending story. She grew up an outcast in her local community (Port Arthur, Texas, with a very active branch of the KuKluxClan) simply for being different and outspoken and was very publicly humiliated at school. She then ended up in San Francisco, achieved recognition and success when she appeared at Woodstock but was also introduced to the drug scene. There were various ups and down in her career, but inbetween she ended up in Brazil, where she finally met someone who really fell for her and cared for her and who wanted to be with her. However, he wasn’t into drugs and in the end couldn’t handle her drug habit and left, as he had originally intended before meeting her, to do volunteer work in Asia. She eventually ended up again in San Francisco and started working with a new backing band. Her career prospered, her concerts were sell-outs, but deep down inside, there was a big hole in her life. As much as she loved the rapturous welcome she now received at every concert, afterwards, when all the audience had departed and all the members of the backing band had gone back home to their wives/girl-friends, who was there for her when she finally closed the door of her hotel room at night? Remembering what had happened with the one man who had really been there for her, she did in fact make the effort to kick the drugs and had almost got to that stage, when she suddenly fell to the temptation to take a shot of heroin just one more time, overdosed and was found dead next morning in her hotel room. Tragically, the morning of her death, a message arrived from her boyfriend telling her he was missing her too and was coming back to see her.

    The documentary is called “Little Girl Blue”; it is only when you watch the film that you realise how apt the title is.

    We all seek companionship, whatever form it might take. It is not coincidental that that is what most songs are about, trite though the lyrics may be. Ironically, of course, they are also partly responsible for the perception of inadequacy.

    Hugs and kisses,
    Dad […]”

    Thanks Dad xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. Do you believe in luck? Because, as we make our way through life, it’s just luck and coincidence that create the opportunities to meet the people we may grow to love. (Just as it creates the opportunities to meet those we’ll end up leaving behind.) Life is about being open to all kinds of opportunities, and whether we have the strength and courage to go after what we want. And when we get what we want, we then have to decide how long we want to keep it. No matter what the fairy tales say, nothing lasts forever…

    I wonder how many of those loving couples you see will ultimately end up in divorce — what, about 50%? Not very good odds, huh? If every time we ate something, we had a 50/50 chance of the food making us sick, we’d probably all be very skinny. Or in the case of marriage, most of us would be single.

    When you think about it, how likely is it that we’ll find the perfect mate? Not a perfect person, just the “right” one for each of us. If it was easy, there wouldn’t be such a high divorce rate…

    And so I ask you again, do you believe in luck? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You hit the nail on the head – I believe that there’s a multitude of variables that can bring the “right” people together, but that ultimately what it comes down to is one huge dollop of luck to make those variables stick together. And I’m inundated with good/bad luck on so many sides that I do believe in it, as well as believe in making my own luck, good or bad. It’s all theory and quite relative but it gives one hope, and I believe hope is important. Finally, you’re right – quite a number of long term couples recently split up over the last few months – we all thought they were going to last. But change is also inevitable 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello there! Sorry, WP put your comment in the SPAM pile and I’ve only just got back online… what a lovely comment, and really glad that you took pleasure from my blog! Inspired you? Go on, send me the link – can’t wait to read the article! Peace x

      Liked by 1 person

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