Will it ever happen?
So, while writing the email below to my friend the other week, I was wondering if anyone else out there felt the same – whether you’re a man or woman, but still experience – to an extent – the feelings that I detail below; would you let me know? Or am I alone in this way of thinking??
Moreover, the reason the whole email conversation started was because last week I had two blind dates, and today I discovered one of my oldest friends – and not so long ago lover – just got engaged; a friend and lover for whom I almost considered moving back to the UK!
…and yes, I did edit some of the email out! You can’t know everything about me, hey?! 😉
[…] All the men in my life… it’s like a constant thing: there’s this huge attraction, but it’s always at the completely the wrong time…
I feel like I’ve been cursed with “impossible relationships”, that there’s no one left for me. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve to be happy with a companion. And I know that’s stupid, because it kind of means that I just haven’t met the right person (what my girlfriends like to tell me, to cheer me up I guess, lol). And what if I had already found the right person, and perhaps I hadn’t handled it the correct way, and now my “chance” is over… does one even get any more than one chance? I’d like to think so.
I’m supposed to be this strong independent woman, which, more often than not, I am… but all these knock backs over the years, the abuse, every scenario that I put myself – or ended up – in; the next time something negative happens again, I’m on the verge of breaking.
And no one sees it.
Because I’m really good at covering it up.
But my heart is screaming as it’s being torn into a million little pieces… slowly, and excruciatingly.
And all I do every day is wake up, super glue all the bits back together because there’s no point in moping about shite like this – until the next time, and then that glue gets a bit unstuck again; and so I have to wake up the next morning, and stick some more super glue on.
Instead of this “patching of the heart”, I’d just like it to be healed.
I love myself, I love the bad and the good about me… I look after myself, but party too; I generally travel the middle path, so why is it that my heart doesn’t quite feel whole???
I’m theorising here, being rhetorical. The above is basically a snapshot into my brain…. the good and the bad parts of it!
But don’t worry, honey – like I tell my heart every morning, “it will all work out”.’
Because at the end of the day, it usually does! 🙂
…and please do not misunderstand me, dear reader; I do not NEED a man in my life, but I would very much like a companion, especially considering that I have been a solivagant for about 7 years.
I also know who I am as a person, my good and bad points; but every person has self doubt to a certain extent, and I never feel it is evidenced until I am surrounded by couples, all loved up and displaying a lot of affection in public, whether it’s physically so, or even online. Is it so wrong that I am truthful, where the negative and the positive are concerned?
Basically, I do not miss having a partner in my life per se (because I have so many friends who fill this space), until I am surrounded by couples, declaring their undying love for each other in oh-so-very-public ways.
And who am I to stop these happy people?! Of course they should be happy; they have attained love, a partner to adventure with, someone with whom to share stories and life.
Even with all it’s downsides, I ultimately believe that love conquers all.
…though I still can’t help wondering, “will I be part of that conquering one day as well?”